This doesn't always happen.
I wouldn't even say this happens most of the time or even more than a negligible percentage of the time.
Sometimes I don't feel like a Christian.
You might think, “yeah, that's not so bad.” You may be right. You might also condemn me. That's also valid. Coming from a devout Southern Baptist, a member of the SBC who strongly believes in eternal security even to a fault, it's an issue to me to reconcile my feelings and my beliefs.
I know that I'm a Christian. I know that what Jesus did on Calvary applies to me, not because of anything I've done, any accomplishment of mine, or any merit of my own, but only because of the generous, merciful gift of Christ. Although I know with my head, that knowledge sometimes fails to seep into my heart and grow the fruit of faith.
I know the bitter blame falls to me.
It's a quandary that I want to follow through on what I know is right, but I find myself wanting more the things of my desire.
I find myself struggling with what I see, the problem being not what's in front of me but how the cones, rods, irises, and pathways from my eyes to my mind, and heart, communicate those signals. The objects of my desire tend to be what I find my heart wanting. What the mind ingests, the heart collects.
I sympathize very much with what Paul said in Romans 7.
“For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” I have to remind myself that Paul must have felt the way I do sometimes - that I'm in this cycle between killing sin and being murdered by it.
The noose I wear I know I tied, and I know that the way I feel is directly tied to what I do.
John Piper, a man I highly respect once said, “We are most satisfied in God when He is most glorified in us.”
I would say the inverse also remains true. I have to admit, I know God has not been glorified in me. But, even at my best, I would say that's hardly true. As I am a Southern Baptist and believe in eternal security, I also believe in the depravity of man, and I've been depraved.
Ephesians mentions “children of wrath,” and even of those, I feel like the runt of the litter. Sin turns kingdoms into molehills. It capsizes battleships with waves that shouldn’t trump schooners. I believe that the sin that hangs on in my life directly affects my feeling.
You may feel the same way as I do.
When I feel this way, I go to the source of life, even when I don't feel like it. Eventually, the promises of God bust through the ever hardening condition of my heart. Christ brings me out of darkness into His marvelous light.
When I feel as though Jesus didn't redeem me, I stand on those promises. I stand on Philippians 1:6 - “He who began a good work in you will see it through to completion till the day of Christ Jesus.”
I know He saved me. He bought me at a high price. When my sin gets in the way, He pursues me and calls me to Himself.
When I don't feel like a Christian, He eventually changes my heart.